A Little Hope ... Read this Story

So, I figured I should probably put something about my weight on here... it's a bit of a story, but here we go...hopefully I don't bore you.
So about two years ago, I was in a horrible place in my life. I was unhappy, sick, and hurting from the inside out. I would eat my feelings away because it was just...easier. I didn't want to face the fact that I was fat and completely ready to commit suicide.

One day, I looked at myself in my mirror, and felt so disgusted by what I saw, that I decided to weight myself. Ive never told anybody this, but I topped the scale at almost 400 pounds. Seeing what I did to myself over years of stuffing my face with "comfort foods", I couldnt take it anymore.

That day, I went for a walk. just a short, 2 kilometer walk but thats what started everything. I waled everyday after that, slowly building myself up to 3 kilometers, then 4...and finally up to 20. There wasnt a day that my body DIDNT hurt, and I often thought about just calling it quits. I figured "who cares...Ill be fat forever".

But it DID get easier, and after about two weeks of walking 6 times a week, I began to drop the weight. Thats when I began to feel better about myself. I was no longer a 5X, i had moved down to a 3X. I was getting results!!

BUT....every time my family would cause my stress (which was an everyday thing) I would go straigt for the fridge. I knew that had to change, so I found a job that had me on my feet all day, and I was out of the toxic environment for at least 8 hours a day. I began buying my own food.

Instead of having my usual Pepsi and chicken wings for lunch, I would grab a green tea, and some fruit, or sushi. It was probably the hardest thing I had to do. I was addicted to junk food. I still miss my gigantic pieces of cake, and chicken wings. OH HOW I MISS WINGS!!


But back to my mini novel of a story. I was working at Starbucks. I was constantly surrounded by rich lattes, and delicious cranberry bliss bars. It was hard to resist temptation. There were so many fattening foods around me, but I finally grew accustomed to grabbing fruit, or veggies, or soup that I eventually didnt notice them.

I didnt follow a meal plan, or go to a gym, and it was getting harder and harder to not eat my feelings, and go back to the way I was. I had lost 50 pounds just by walking and eating right, and I could feel my depression creeping back up on me.

I hated how i felt, and looked once again. It didnt help when my mother would tell me "Your portion sizes are too big! youre not walking at the right pace". My mother WAS anorexic. She would eat once a day, and it would be two crackers, and she never worked out (she cant...she has a bad back..long story). She didnt do anything, actually. she sat at home all day, and slept, or watched Tv. She had no financial support (not even from my step dad), so I ended up supporting her. I would buy her cigarettes, clothes, and everything else. My step dad would get frustrated because I wasnt paying rent, but how could I? At the end of the day I was only bringing in 100 bucks, and I only worked "part time".
I was in a bad situation, so I ate....and gained 30 pounds. I can remember my breaking point. I had just worked a 15 hour shift at 'bucks...and I had to go home to look after my nieces, and my mom. She was an hour late picking me up. It was -30 celcius outside, and the store was closed so I had to wait outside. She finally showed up, and began telling me she was out of smokes. I had just gotten paid the day before and I only had twenty dollars left of a whole 800 dollar cheque. I told her i couldnt afford it, and she replied "well, fine. I will just have to sleep until I meet my maker, or I will just have to kill myself"....I bought her the smokes, and called my sister ( who lived three hours away)

I told her everything. My whole story came out in sobs. I was so unhappy. I was making changes, but I couldnt change my mother, or my other sister who is completely psychotic and doesnt know how to take proper care of her kids. My sister that night called her mother in law, and they made a plan. I was to go to the big city...by myself for the first time on the bus...BY MYSELF (I had never done anything by myself. I was attached at the hip with my mom). I stayed with her for a week, and got my first real taste of what freedom was.

On February 15th, my sister asked me to move in with her and her fiancee. I immediately jumped at the idea! YES YES YES! GET ME OUT OF HERE! I arrived on the 19th (with my mother in tow, with all of my things), and left for a vacation on the 20th. I needed a break, so I went to my "boyfriends" place in Manitoba. It was a small town, so I would have a lot of time to think about what I wanted.

after a week of pure with him...we broke up, and i went back to edmonton. It was a horrible week with him, and I felt so broken. I had truly hit rock bottom. But I was now living in the big city!

I began my job hunting, and had brought a mutual friend of me and my sisters, and I dropped off a resume at a fitness store. I did everything right when I walked in. I asked for a manager, and this woman, rudely said "IM the manager". I introduced myself, and handed her my resume. I can remember the look of disgust she gave me, and then she stated " ugh....we only hire dedicated triatheletes" and then asked me if I wanted my resume back.

OUCH!!

Then it once again hit me. I was fat, and the cruel lady had reminded me of what I truly needed to do to help myself. I was completely disheartened when I saw the look of disgust she gave me. My sister ended up calling that store, and yelling at the woman. She called our MP, and told her all about it. There was even a thing on the news about this store, and my story. The woman was FORCED to apologize (would have been nice if she would have done it because she felt bad)

Once again, I began walking. everywhere. And then my brother in law offered my a job as a maintenance labourer. I agreed! Who needed a gym?! I was carrying table saws, laminate, and gigantic buckets of paint up four or five flights of stairs. But after work every day, no matter how sore I was, I would walk for 40 minutes. I called it "exploring" because the word "exercise" scared the poop out of me. And then I began eating right.

And now, here we are...January. And Ive lost 174 pounds in total. I fit into a size 36 jean again. I no longer wear anything over a 1X, and I dont plan on stopping. I know that is a long, and confusing story, but I hope that reading this has given others hope. Thats all that I needed.Hope. And a push of course.

Now I continue to walk wherever I can, and have begun to lift weights at home. I dont believe in the gym. Why pay for something that you can do yourself. "Exploring" where you live is free, and you get the same benefits. I dance daily (in my own house, to my music blasted) to a playlist i started filled with songs that empower me, I eat right, and I focus on what makes me happy. I guess what Im trying to say is Dont sweat the small stuff, and start slow. Weight loss definitely doesnt happen overnight. Its like saving up for a vacation. You have to work hard to get where you want to go.

THAT is my weight loss journey. Sorry if it is a boring read.
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